Extra Ordinary

this is getting old & i’m honestly not gaining much from it. i mean, what is the point? let’s say i do find some questionable evidence, the only thing that’s going to result from it is an argument, lost time being upset with one another, high levels of stress, all to make up again in a few hours. i have to accept what is out of my control, frightening. i finally trust him, yet i am still possessive, demanding… i have to allow him a certain degree of control as well. it’s only fair, still scary. now, i do it out of boredom. before, i though i would expose him. as i spend more & more time with him, i realize he is the same person i once knew; a bit more attractive, much more popular, but the same. it’s not like i will ever stop loving him or wanting him around so i suppose i will just have to simply enjoy the ride.

i miss you. i know i have a weird, quite self-destructive way of conveying it. but, this much is true. i fantasize about you every morning, lying here next to me. 

what would you do if your support system crumbled? the one person that was always your strongest soldier is now experiencing a mental breakdown, and there’s no way for you to intervene. he just gets into this mode, trapped inside these moods of rage and severe depression. i feel helpless in supporting you. i was never too stable myself. i have barely built up my foundation. surely, you’ll understand. you should know how fragile we laid the groundwork. yet—i’d tear it all down for for you. i’d start over; we could build you an even more solid base. let me be the sacrifice. i have rebuilt myself many times before. 

…that i have all of these lovely dovey things i post, yet i’m not satisfied b/c we lack a title? i mean, it’s been how many years? what’s YOUR problem? hahaha. & i always blame you. i love you though! 

remember when we first met, well officially first met in person, and i didn’t know where anything was? you had to give me turn by turn directions to your house, and now that i look back, the whole while you were probably thinking, “is this b!tch serious?”. but, maybe you were just anxious to see me & that was an afterthought. i was unsure; i didn’t know what to expect from you. i never thought you would still be apart of my life years later. i never would’ve guess you’d be my soulmate. i can remember everything about that day. 

i just wish i was as sure from the get-go as you. perhaps, my chance has passed.

but, you weren’t & once again i have to deal with this sh!t on my own. there’s no use in calling you or texting you. if there is an emergency,  you’re just not going to be there. it’s plain & simple. you always happen to conveniently be unavailable. probably partying… i honestly wouldn’t be surprised. how can i ever trust you if i can’t even rely on you? 

i thought about you more than i would like, but i didn’t feel impulsive. i had no desire to call you. i felt no need to text you. i did not yearn to hear your voice. i do not crave your attention. you left me in a really tough spot. & i don’t know if i will ever forgive you for this. these are the times i am so grateful i’m so independent. i honestly have an issue with depending on others for anything that’s related to myself. the importance is irrelevant—trust lies in no one else but myself. a gift & a curse i would say, to have such a mindset. obviously, when it comes to relationships, my trust issue hinder me, but it builds a solid base of confidence and responsibility in myself. it’s almost 5 a.m, and i’ve felt tired since 2 a.m. if i wasn’t working, i think i would actually be sleeping right now. for an insomniac, this is truly a blessing. my graveyard shift tonight was very lonesome. i took my sweet time getting to each outlet to everyone else’s annoyance. i was on time, yet they expected me to be as early as the other girl, oh well. for a split second i saw a friend of mine as well. unfortunately, i was too tired and irritated to hold up a conversation with her. but, i extended an invitation to hang out with her tomorrow or monday or tuesday. we’re both steady extras, so who knows when this will actually happen. we’re back to back on the extra board so hopefully all the pieces fall into place to get in a little day club action tomorrow. my body is not where i would like it to be, especially since i have this permanent little pudge in my tummy for now, but in a couple weeks hopefully that will be fixed. idk. kind of on the fence, but only time will tell. it would be nice to hit the gym tomorrow. could be a potential GTL day in the making! i’m actually looking forward to something with a new friend. this is such a big deal! trust. & no worries, if it doesn’t work out, i’m going to do some shopping, gym & laundry. lol. & plan c: if i get called in, there’s always the next day. i’m really trying not to stress over the little things.