Extra Ordinary

i was excited, even happy, to let go. i don’t care about the space. i just get overwhelmed with missing them, already. i worry that they won’t come visit me. although, i’ll only be seven and a half miles away. i know it’s time. i’m twenty-three years old. it’s time. last week elizabeth mentioned that she doesn’t plan on moving out of her parent’s house until she’s married. i couldn’t wait that long. i honestly don’t see myself getting married anytime soon. i’m just trying to prepare myself. i feel lonely now. leaving my room makes me feel a little better, especially in the daytime when there is a actually some type of traffic downstairs. i’m going to miss waking up and being greeted by baby. i’m going to miss saying “good morning” to demarion. i’m going to miss saying “goodbye” to my mom and my nephew every time i leave the house, even though it’s just for a couple of hours. i worry about my brother. i wish i could’ve helped him more. i wish i could’ve showed him my secrets or led him in some type of direction in life. i just hope he finds something he’s passionate about. i don’t want him to ever feel as lost as me in this life. i only have two more weeks here & i’m suffocated by fear. i hope they miss me. 

i’m sorry that i would get so angry at you and so jealous of your time. i am not crazy. i act crazy because i panic. for some reason i have this fear of losing you & at the same time i have this fear i’ve lost you. if something were to happen to you, idk what i’d do. if you were to be interested in someone, idk what i would do. i understand friendship is the foundation of a solid relationship, but i don’t want to be ‘just friends’ & i’ve been so frustrated that i’m still stuck in that category after all these years, after everything we’ve been through, after all the memories we have shared. i don’t want anyone else & i can’t pretend that i don’t love you the way i do. i want to prove you wrong: that i’m not a fuck up, yet i fear that with all these efforts i’ll still be stuck in the same place, as a friend, so i rebel. i don’t ever think you will just ‘give in’, but i don’t understand how you don’t love me the same & it kills me. like you gave me one chance & that was years ago before you even knew me. & now you just think you have me all figured out, you don’t see the potential in me. you put a wall up & you’re just satisfied with the expectation that i will fail you. how do you expect me to function in this atmosphere? i try, then i feel like it’s useless & start believing i’m as much of a fuck up as you think i am. i don’t want to argue. i understand you need your space. i’m just still stuck on how it used to be: when you had all the time in the world for me. & the fact that you’re a flirt with the ladies & this cool macho guy with your male friends just expands all these insecurities that i already have & i start feeling foolish & gullible & angry that i’m so in love with you & i start to believe you don’t care about me because if you did… idk? you would tone it down? i honestly don’t even know what i expect. i just feel like a secret & like you’re ashamed of me or that this is just a fun little fling to you. & i know the fact that i’m so passionate scares you, but that’s just who i am. i can’t be anyone else. i just have to be me & hope you accept me. & if not… i guess it just wasn’t meant to be. & i know there are certain things that i have to accept about you & i have & i know there’s more i need to open up to, but i always feel like i’m compromising & putting more effort & then you make me feel like i shouldn’t be then when i don’t you realize it & get frustrated or irritated with me & think something’s wrong. i still feel like you need some space & that’s fine. i just wanted to let you know because life is so unpredictable & you never know if the opportunity will present itself. there’s never a right time, you know? & i don’t know what to expect from here on, but i would like the chance to figure it out sometime in the near future. i can’t spend many more days hating you & knowing that you hate me. i don’t even want you to respond now just read this & reread it & think about it throughout the week. just a few things i thought you should know.