i’m sorry that i would get so angry at you and so jealous of your time. i am not crazy. i act crazy because i panic. for some reason i have this fear of losing you & at the same time i have this fear i’ve lost you. if something were to happen to you, idk what i’d do. if you were to be interested in someone, idk what i would do. i understand friendship is the foundation of a solid relationship, but i don’t want to be ‘just friends’ & i’ve been so frustrated that i’m still stuck in that category after all these years, after everything we’ve been through, after all the memories we have shared. i don’t want anyone else & i can’t pretend that i don’t love you the way i do. i want to prove you wrong: that i’m not a fuck up, yet i fear that with all these efforts i’ll still be stuck in the same place, as a friend, so i rebel. i don’t ever think you will just ‘give in’, but i don’t understand how you don’t love me the same & it kills me. like you gave me one chance & that was years ago before you even knew me. & now you just think you have me all figured out, you don’t see the potential in me. you put a wall up & you’re just satisfied with the expectation that i will fail you. how do you expect me to function in this atmosphere? i try, then i feel like it’s useless & start believing i’m as much of a fuck up as you think i am. i don’t want to argue. i understand you need your space. i’m just still stuck on how it used to be: when you had all the time in the world for me. & the fact that you’re a flirt with the ladies & this cool macho guy with your male friends just expands all these insecurities that i already have & i start feeling foolish & gullible & angry that i’m so in love with you & i start to believe you don’t care about me because if you did… idk? you would tone it down? i honestly don’t even know what i expect. i just feel like a secret & like you’re ashamed of me or that this is just a fun little fling to you. & i know the fact that i’m so passionate scares you, but that’s just who i am. i can’t be anyone else. i just have to be me & hope you accept me. & if not… i guess it just wasn’t meant to be. & i know there are certain things that i have to accept about you & i have & i know there’s more i need to open up to, but i always feel like i’m compromising & putting more effort & then you make me feel like i shouldn’t be then when i don’t you realize it & get frustrated or irritated with me & think something’s wrong. i still feel like you need some space & that’s fine. i just wanted to let you know because life is so unpredictable & you never know if the opportunity will present itself. there’s never a right time, you know? & i don’t know what to expect from here on, but i would like the chance to figure it out sometime in the near future. i can’t spend many more days hating you & knowing that you hate me. i don’t even want you to respond now just read this & reread it & think about it throughout the week. just a few things i thought you should know.
today wasn’t too bad. i tried something new & i let myself have fun regardless. i learned i need to get to know my co-worker a bit more. she disappointed me a few times today in that she didn’t really do a great job at making me feel very welcome in her group of friends, but they were a nice crowd. we ended up going to EBC (encore beach club). thomas gold was playing, and we danced and had a blast! i usually don’t like hanging out at work on my day off, but it was well worth it, and didn’t feel like “work”—if you know what i mean. the bartender was extra gorgeous and went well out of his way to make me a drink that didn’t even exist! haaa: lemon drop smoothie, beat that! it was amazing. we actually got to go backstage and meet the dj after his set was over. he was really down-to-earth, or maybe on happy pills, doesn’t matter to me, all i know is negative energy was unheard of today. for some reason, we decided to go to marquee dayclub soon after. yet, by the time i got there is was closed. they shut it down at 6pm & i got there at 5:58, but i suppose my co-worker & her friends snuck in through a back entrance they didn’t mind sharing with me. i was about to leave when they came out with total looks of disappointment on their faces. now, that was priceless! we got some pizza at this “secret” pizza joint in cosmo then chatted a little bit. i found that my new friend was really easy to talk to. all out of ideas, we decided to depart and meet up later for the pool party at XS. when i got home i was so happy. after getting some dayclub action in, i was so ready for the nightclub. i got ready then called her, but no answer. so here i am now… i was irritated, but glad a got a good picture out of it! lol. the simple things are bringing me joy again. almost double digits on likes! wooo! lmfao. unfortunately, during the writing of this post, i made the mistake of answering the phone w/o thinking & now i have to work at 7a tomorrow. fml! well, i’m thinking about going to the gym now. then coming home & watching a movie that i pray will allow me to get a couple hours of rest before my early start tomorrow! praying !! i only thought about him twice. okay, maybe three times… screw it. but, i’m taking it day by day.
i thought about you more than i would like, but i didn’t feel impulsive. i had no desire to call you. i felt no need to text you. i did not yearn to hear your voice. i do not crave your attention. you left me in a really tough spot. & i don’t know if i will ever forgive you for this. these are the times i am so grateful i’m so independent. i honestly have an issue with depending on others for anything that’s related to myself. the importance is irrelevant—trust lies in no one else but myself. a gift & a curse i would say, to have such a mindset. obviously, when it comes to relationships, my trust issue hinder me, but it builds a solid base of confidence and responsibility in myself. it’s almost 5 a.m, and i’ve felt tired since 2 a.m. if i wasn’t working, i think i would actually be sleeping right now. for an insomniac, this is truly a blessing. my graveyard shift tonight was very lonesome. i took my sweet time getting to each outlet to everyone else’s annoyance. i was on time, yet they expected me to be as early as the other girl, oh well. for a split second i saw a friend of mine as well. unfortunately, i was too tired and irritated to hold up a conversation with her. but, i extended an invitation to hang out with her tomorrow or monday or tuesday. we’re both steady extras, so who knows when this will actually happen. we’re back to back on the extra board so hopefully all the pieces fall into place to get in a little day club action tomorrow. my body is not where i would like it to be, especially since i have this permanent little pudge in my tummy for now, but in a couple weeks hopefully that will be fixed. idk. kind of on the fence, but only time will tell. it would be nice to hit the gym tomorrow. could be a potential GTL day in the making! i’m actually looking forward to something with a new friend. this is such a big deal! trust. & no worries, if it doesn’t work out, i’m going to do some shopping, gym & laundry. lol. & plan c: if i get called in, there’s always the next day. i’m really trying not to stress over the little things.