there must be a sign above my head that states, “betray me. disappoint me. use me.” each statement stacked one above the other. when i look up, it moves with the top of my dome. no matter what angle i try to view it from, it remains out of sight to me. this sign, like vampires, has no reflections in mirrors. i am completely blind to it. i go about my life, already guarded, fearing to let anyone in. & once i do, there’s only a matter of time. don’t get me wrong. i don’t enter into the relationship just thinking, “hmm… tick, tock, how will you bring me pain & agony?” yet, it happens nonetheless. & oh, how i despise making friends at work. there’s no telling what these b!tches have as their motive. first there was soho, she totally manipulated me. she constantly tried to guilt trip me on several occasions, because i had more seniority than her. i instantly saw right through it & had an opportunity to cut her off. honestly, i began to realize i didn’t quite agree with the type of woman she was. & she had a dysfunctional relationship with her boyfriend, which meant he was obliged to awkwardly tag along on any outing she decided to attend. they wanted it that way i supposed. they were both so broken and mentally f-cked up from past relationships that they both figured if they were always together, they would never have the opportunity to be unfaithful. unfortunately, i know this is not exactly the case. my last “serious” ex-boyfriend & i were inseparable & he still managed to cheat in the hour or two that my shift would run longer than his. or he would always say he’s going to the ‘gym’ with his best childhood friend, who covered for him—of course. for two years i trusted him, although within the last couple months i had a few speculations. but, i thought it was just me, being paranoid. i always look back & wished i trusted my gut feeling. if i never went to that appointment, we would probably still be together to this day. did i mention that he was verbally & physically abusive? yes, i f-cked up. i am f-cked up. i continue to f-ck up. i’ve been betrayed, disappointed & used by nearly everyone that has entered my life. k was so funny. she would always make me laugh. i enjoyed her personality. i got excited when i would run into her. i jumped up when she would text. she was so interesting to me. a bit naive, a bit closed off, but intriguing. i know a part of her really, truly cherished our friendship. i just can’t believe she would go behind my back like this. we talked every single day & she never mentioned being interested in the shift i was going to be promoted to. mariah didn’t end up taking the shift because she was unsure about it & she knew how much i wanted it. she figured she rather i have it than anyone else & now i just wish mariah took it because k was just waiting until this happened so she can slither in & steal the shift from right under me. she’s such a snake. i am so grateful for mariah’s gesture. i know she’s going to be enraged when she realizes i didn’t get the shift. after i talk to her, i know i will feel a bit more reassured. but k, i’m just so hurt by her actions. she could’ve just been honest with me. i always supported her in what she did & constantly reminded her to do what’s best for herself. but, to put someone else on the line to move ahead, a friend at that… like why? i can’t stand how little i mean to people at the end of the day. i know i convey this tough exterior, but i’m so torn inside.
but, you weren’t & once again i have to deal with this sh!t on my own. there’s no use in calling you or texting you. if there is an emergency, you’re just not going to be there. it’s plain & simple. you always happen to conveniently be unavailable. probably partying… i honestly wouldn’t be surprised. how can i ever trust you if i can’t even rely on you?
last night was amazing. i could tell one of my friends had been feeling down after she had been a bit snappy with me as i texted her a couple days after her birthday. at first, i tried to think of every possible alternative not to hang out with her. i was dealing with my own issues and wanted to be surrounded by positivity—part of me even felt like she acted as though she was doing ME a favor by hanging out. okay, maybe i’m a bit paranoid, but she often causes me to feel such a way. i had a friend that was in town from washington for a bachelorette party; therefore, i contacted her to see if i could tag along. also, i felt kind of bad because every time she’s in town she frequently hits me up to do something and i either flake or have to work. yet, she proved to be so caught up in all the festivities of the bachelorette party, and not to mentioned constantly tipsy or drunk, that she completely stopped texting me out of nowhere. i figured i just needed to get out of the house & not lay on the couch & bum out watching tv; thus, i got ready anyhow—with no place to go. now, this could be dangerous because i tend to get a bit upset when i get ready and end up having no place to go, but i figured i would do some window shopping of my own if it came to that point. i feel like locals underrate everything our city has to offer. oh, & in the process of all of this, i shot a text to one of my good friends from middle school as well, but, of course, she had plans. when i was getting ready, i was so giddy because i was about to wear a completely brand new outfit. i felt so cute. i was reminded of like when you were young and went ‘school shopping’ or ‘summer shopping’. i finally found some white shorts on sale that (1) didn’t smush my a** in or (2) didn’t leave my a** hanging out; so i felt quite accomplished (i spent entirely too much money the day prior). any who, after being set on not being surrounded by negative people, i thought to myself, “something is wrong with her & instead of being a friend i’m avoiding her”. i felt like a total b!tch after this. man, i suck at ‘hints’. it’s such bullish!t. i don’t know why people are so set on participating in this game of subliminal messages. just be f-cking literal sometimes, geesh. but, i headed over, and she kind of gave me an attitude. for some reason, when people don’t act happy to see me, i define their current state as ‘having an attitude’. lol. funny things i’m learning about myself. okay, so once we got in her room, she laid in her bed, looked at me, and gave a big sigh before she said, “you have no idea the drama i’ve been dealing with…”. she went on to tell me all of the issues she’s been having in the love department: her complicated and possibly frowned upon dating situation with her boyfriend and the man she is in love with—yes, these are two different people, the problems she’s been having with her family: she’s been experiencing panic attacks since her grandpa died & her cousin shared a huge secret with her that she feel obligated to tell but promised not to share, and her current financial situation: she recently got fired from her job & still has tons of bills to pay which is completely depleting her savings. wow. i thought i had it tough. we also shared a ton laughs in the process of venting, and i realized that everyone is experiencing their own life problems. no one is completely happy or has and ideal life situation, & sharing these obstacles with others really makes a difference. although she was more caught up in talking about herself & i honestly didn’t get to share a great deal of what i’m going through right now, i could honestly say i cheered her up. it was priceless. i never thought of myself as gifted at doing this! (: also, i gave in & called him. he answered, and we didn’t talk about any of the problems, but it felt so good just to hear his voice. f-ck, i’m weak. smh.
i thought about you more than i would like, but i didn’t feel impulsive. i had no desire to call you. i felt no need to text you. i did not yearn to hear your voice. i do not crave your attention. you left me in a really tough spot. & i don’t know if i will ever forgive you for this. these are the times i am so grateful i’m so independent. i honestly have an issue with depending on others for anything that’s related to myself. the importance is irrelevant—trust lies in no one else but myself. a gift & a curse i would say, to have such a mindset. obviously, when it comes to relationships, my trust issue hinder me, but it builds a solid base of confidence and responsibility in myself. it’s almost 5 a.m, and i’ve felt tired since 2 a.m. if i wasn’t working, i think i would actually be sleeping right now. for an insomniac, this is truly a blessing. my graveyard shift tonight was very lonesome. i took my sweet time getting to each outlet to everyone else’s annoyance. i was on time, yet they expected me to be as early as the other girl, oh well. for a split second i saw a friend of mine as well. unfortunately, i was too tired and irritated to hold up a conversation with her. but, i extended an invitation to hang out with her tomorrow or monday or tuesday. we’re both steady extras, so who knows when this will actually happen. we’re back to back on the extra board so hopefully all the pieces fall into place to get in a little day club action tomorrow. my body is not where i would like it to be, especially since i have this permanent little pudge in my tummy for now, but in a couple weeks hopefully that will be fixed. idk. kind of on the fence, but only time will tell. it would be nice to hit the gym tomorrow. could be a potential GTL day in the making! i’m actually looking forward to something with a new friend. this is such a big deal! trust. & no worries, if it doesn’t work out, i’m going to do some shopping, gym & laundry. lol. & plan c: if i get called in, there’s always the next day. i’m really trying not to stress over the little things.
he’s out, laughing. making memories with old friends, new friends. i’m home, alone. trying to let go of memories of the past. the first emotion i feel is jealousy. i don’t remember the last time i laughed. i don’t count on there being a next time i will laugh. not anytime soon, at least. it’s like, he doesn’t even take this seriously. he thinks he still has me & i’m just going through a phase… but, this is as real as it gets.
i think i just lost my best friend.