i swear he has a consistent goal of keeping a smile on my face. it kills him to see me down, even if it’s due, not to sadness, but tiredness or a desire for relaxation. perhaps, it was just him. the smiles were all due to his personality—& open, nonjudgemental, comforting nature.
i have suddenly recognized his efforts. with everything he’s been through, he has made me a top priority. i never had the clarity of mind to even wink, let alone notice he is giving me all that he’s got… mentally, physically, psychologically, he attempts in nearly every moment he’s around me. i swear he reads my mind. mindful of my deepest thoughts, my darkest secrets, he rarely uses them against me.
& to this, i am filled with fear and skepticism. i never knew how much control i have over the situation. once i realize this control, i usually use it to my advantage; but, this time, i surrendered it to him in exchange for freedom, his freedom.
if this isn’t love, i don’t know what is.
this is getting old & i’m honestly not gaining much from it. i mean, what is the point? let’s say i do find some questionable evidence, the only thing that’s going to result from it is an argument, lost time being upset with one another, high levels of stress, all to make up again in a few hours. i have to accept what is out of my control, frightening. i finally trust him, yet i am still possessive, demanding… i have to allow him a certain degree of control as well. it’s only fair, still scary. now, i do it out of boredom. before, i though i would expose him. as i spend more & more time with him, i realize he is the same person i once knew; a bit more attractive, much more popular, but the same. it’s not like i will ever stop loving him or wanting him around so i suppose i will just have to simply enjoy the ride.
i had to just take a second. sometimes, i admit, i do have a hard time distinguishing what is real & what is all in my head. but, i swear, at about 5 a.m. you rolled over; your right hand over my eyes, searching for my face. i can’t remember if you softly kissed me on my cheek first or whispered, “i love you.” i never thought i would experience that with you. you scatter at sunrise so when i wake up at noon, it all seems a blur. i’m starting to believe this is real.
there must be a sign above my head that states, “betray me. disappoint me. use me.” each statement stacked one above the other. when i look up, it moves with the top of my dome. no matter what angle i try to view it from, it remains out of sight to me. this sign, like vampires, has no reflections in mirrors. i am completely blind to it. i go about my life, already guarded, fearing to let anyone in. & once i do, there’s only a matter of time. don’t get me wrong. i don’t enter into the relationship just thinking, “hmm… tick, tock, how will you bring me pain & agony?” yet, it happens nonetheless. & oh, how i despise making friends at work. there’s no telling what these b!tches have as their motive. first there was soho, she totally manipulated me. she constantly tried to guilt trip me on several occasions, because i had more seniority than her. i instantly saw right through it & had an opportunity to cut her off. honestly, i began to realize i didn’t quite agree with the type of woman she was. & she had a dysfunctional relationship with her boyfriend, which meant he was obliged to awkwardly tag along on any outing she decided to attend. they wanted it that way i supposed. they were both so broken and mentally f-cked up from past relationships that they both figured if they were always together, they would never have the opportunity to be unfaithful. unfortunately, i know this is not exactly the case. my last “serious” ex-boyfriend & i were inseparable & he still managed to cheat in the hour or two that my shift would run longer than his. or he would always say he’s going to the ‘gym’ with his best childhood friend, who covered for him—of course. for two years i trusted him, although within the last couple months i had a few speculations. but, i thought it was just me, being paranoid. i always look back & wished i trusted my gut feeling. if i never went to that appointment, we would probably still be together to this day. did i mention that he was verbally & physically abusive? yes, i f-cked up. i am f-cked up. i continue to f-ck up. i’ve been betrayed, disappointed & used by nearly everyone that has entered my life. k was so funny. she would always make me laugh. i enjoyed her personality. i got excited when i would run into her. i jumped up when she would text. she was so interesting to me. a bit naive, a bit closed off, but intriguing. i know a part of her really, truly cherished our friendship. i just can’t believe she would go behind my back like this. we talked every single day & she never mentioned being interested in the shift i was going to be promoted to. mariah didn’t end up taking the shift because she was unsure about it & she knew how much i wanted it. she figured she rather i have it than anyone else & now i just wish mariah took it because k was just waiting until this happened so she can slither in & steal the shift from right under me. she’s such a snake. i am so grateful for mariah’s gesture. i know she’s going to be enraged when she realizes i didn’t get the shift. after i talk to her, i know i will feel a bit more reassured. but k, i’m just so hurt by her actions. she could’ve just been honest with me. i always supported her in what she did & constantly reminded her to do what’s best for herself. but, to put someone else on the line to move ahead, a friend at that… like why? i can’t stand how little i mean to people at the end of the day. i know i convey this tough exterior, but i’m so torn inside.
what would you do if your support system crumbled? the one person that was always your strongest soldier is now experiencing a mental breakdown, and there’s no way for you to intervene. he just gets into this mode, trapped inside these moods of rage and severe depression. i feel helpless in supporting you. i was never too stable myself. i have barely built up my foundation. surely, you’ll understand. you should know how fragile we laid the groundwork. yet—i’d tear it all down for for you. i’d start over; we could build you an even more solid base. let me be the sacrifice. i have rebuilt myself many times before.
today has been so crazy! i almost wish i just stayed home, did some cleaning, & went along w/ my routine of being a tumblr bum. BUT—— i didn’t. i set my alarm to get ready for my lunch date w/ my good friend (from middle school ;D) tepa & of course, i was late. unfortunately, she was having some car trouble so i was able to help her get through that whole fiasco & she was actually totally still up for our lunch date. well, let me just tell you a little bit about tepa. she is a fireball of energy! she’s so peppy & talkative & easy to talk to. trust me, these are qualities that i have found to be hard to come by, because, honestly, all of my friends rely on me to be the ‘listener’. & i can literally not get a word in about anything that doesn’t revolve around them. i mean, i know a lot of people rely on me to be there; but, i would really like to know who’s supposed to be my listener?! so we vented, ranted, & laughed while we slowly sipped on our pitcher of unlimited sangria & ate tapas. it was lovely :D but, what followed this divine lunch was a disaster! i had a serious road rage incident that actually involved the police! luckily there was no major damage to my car & i’m okay! man, drivers out here are too much. smh. after i filed a police report, i cheered myself up by filling my tank & getting a car wash! liberty (my jeep) deserved it after she got jumped! lol. might as well humor myself over the whole situation. i just finished doing some research on my thyroid disorder & here i am… dr. brownstein is currently my guardian angel so hopefully i’ll be able to find some herbal/holistic thyroid supplements at whole foods or gnc tomorrow ! & now—- don’t mind me as i flood your dashboard w/ cuteness, a bit of edge, my lust for travel & pretty ladies (: speaking of travel, tepa & i decided we are going to plan a nyc trip! i’m stoked! hopefully by spring everything will be underway! gahhhh——