but, you weren’t & once again i have to deal with this sh!t on my own. there’s no use in calling you or texting you. if there is an emergency, you’re just not going to be there. it’s plain & simple. you always happen to conveniently be unavailable. probably partying… i honestly wouldn’t be surprised. how can i ever trust you if i can’t even rely on you?
last night was amazing. i could tell one of my friends had been feeling down after she had been a bit snappy with me as i texted her a couple days after her birthday. at first, i tried to think of every possible alternative not to hang out with her. i was dealing with my own issues and wanted to be surrounded by positivity—part of me even felt like she acted as though she was doing ME a favor by hanging out. okay, maybe i’m a bit paranoid, but she often causes me to feel such a way. i had a friend that was in town from washington for a bachelorette party; therefore, i contacted her to see if i could tag along. also, i felt kind of bad because every time she’s in town she frequently hits me up to do something and i either flake or have to work. yet, she proved to be so caught up in all the festivities of the bachelorette party, and not to mentioned constantly tipsy or drunk, that she completely stopped texting me out of nowhere. i figured i just needed to get out of the house & not lay on the couch & bum out watching tv; thus, i got ready anyhow—with no place to go. now, this could be dangerous because i tend to get a bit upset when i get ready and end up having no place to go, but i figured i would do some window shopping of my own if it came to that point. i feel like locals underrate everything our city has to offer. oh, & in the process of all of this, i shot a text to one of my good friends from middle school as well, but, of course, she had plans. when i was getting ready, i was so giddy because i was about to wear a completely brand new outfit. i felt so cute. i was reminded of like when you were young and went ‘school shopping’ or ‘summer shopping’. i finally found some white shorts on sale that (1) didn’t smush my a** in or (2) didn’t leave my a** hanging out; so i felt quite accomplished (i spent entirely too much money the day prior). any who, after being set on not being surrounded by negative people, i thought to myself, “something is wrong with her & instead of being a friend i’m avoiding her”. i felt like a total b!tch after this. man, i suck at ‘hints’. it’s such bullish!t. i don’t know why people are so set on participating in this game of subliminal messages. just be f-cking literal sometimes, geesh. but, i headed over, and she kind of gave me an attitude. for some reason, when people don’t act happy to see me, i define their current state as ‘having an attitude’. lol. funny things i’m learning about myself. okay, so once we got in her room, she laid in her bed, looked at me, and gave a big sigh before she said, “you have no idea the drama i’ve been dealing with…”. she went on to tell me all of the issues she’s been having in the love department: her complicated and possibly frowned upon dating situation with her boyfriend and the man she is in love with—yes, these are two different people, the problems she’s been having with her family: she’s been experiencing panic attacks since her grandpa died & her cousin shared a huge secret with her that she feel obligated to tell but promised not to share, and her current financial situation: she recently got fired from her job & still has tons of bills to pay which is completely depleting her savings. wow. i thought i had it tough. we also shared a ton laughs in the process of venting, and i realized that everyone is experiencing their own life problems. no one is completely happy or has and ideal life situation, & sharing these obstacles with others really makes a difference. although she was more caught up in talking about herself & i honestly didn’t get to share a great deal of what i’m going through right now, i could honestly say i cheered her up. it was priceless. i never thought of myself as gifted at doing this! (: also, i gave in & called him. he answered, and we didn’t talk about any of the problems, but it felt so good just to hear his voice. f-ck, i’m weak. smh.
i’m sorry that i would get so angry at you and so jealous of your time. i am not crazy. i act crazy because i panic. for some reason i have this fear of losing you & at the same time i have this fear i’ve lost you. if something were to happen to you, idk what i’d do. if you were to be interested in someone, idk what i would do. i understand friendship is the foundation of a solid relationship, but i don’t want to be ‘just friends’ & i’ve been so frustrated that i’m still stuck in that category after all these years, after everything we’ve been through, after all the memories we have shared. i don’t want anyone else & i can’t pretend that i don’t love you the way i do. i want to prove you wrong: that i’m not a fuck up, yet i fear that with all these efforts i’ll still be stuck in the same place, as a friend, so i rebel. i don’t ever think you will just ‘give in’, but i don’t understand how you don’t love me the same & it kills me. like you gave me one chance & that was years ago before you even knew me. & now you just think you have me all figured out, you don’t see the potential in me. you put a wall up & you’re just satisfied with the expectation that i will fail you. how do you expect me to function in this atmosphere? i try, then i feel like it’s useless & start believing i’m as much of a fuck up as you think i am. i don’t want to argue. i understand you need your space. i’m just still stuck on how it used to be: when you had all the time in the world for me. & the fact that you’re a flirt with the ladies & this cool macho guy with your male friends just expands all these insecurities that i already have & i start feeling foolish & gullible & angry that i’m so in love with you & i start to believe you don’t care about me because if you did… idk? you would tone it down? i honestly don’t even know what i expect. i just feel like a secret & like you’re ashamed of me or that this is just a fun little fling to you. & i know the fact that i’m so passionate scares you, but that’s just who i am. i can’t be anyone else. i just have to be me & hope you accept me. & if not… i guess it just wasn’t meant to be. & i know there are certain things that i have to accept about you & i have & i know there’s more i need to open up to, but i always feel like i’m compromising & putting more effort & then you make me feel like i shouldn’t be then when i don’t you realize it & get frustrated or irritated with me & think something’s wrong. i still feel like you need some space & that’s fine. i just wanted to let you know because life is so unpredictable & you never know if the opportunity will present itself. there’s never a right time, you know? & i don’t know what to expect from here on, but i would like the chance to figure it out sometime in the near future. i can’t spend many more days hating you & knowing that you hate me. i don’t even want you to respond now just read this & reread it & think about it throughout the week. just a few things i thought you should know.
today wasn’t too bad. i tried something new & i let myself have fun regardless. i learned i need to get to know my co-worker a bit more. she disappointed me a few times today in that she didn’t really do a great job at making me feel very welcome in her group of friends, but they were a nice crowd. we ended up going to EBC (encore beach club). thomas gold was playing, and we danced and had a blast! i usually don’t like hanging out at work on my day off, but it was well worth it, and didn’t feel like “work”—if you know what i mean. the bartender was extra gorgeous and went well out of his way to make me a drink that didn’t even exist! haaa: lemon drop smoothie, beat that! it was amazing. we actually got to go backstage and meet the dj after his set was over. he was really down-to-earth, or maybe on happy pills, doesn’t matter to me, all i know is negative energy was unheard of today. for some reason, we decided to go to marquee dayclub soon after. yet, by the time i got there is was closed. they shut it down at 6pm & i got there at 5:58, but i suppose my co-worker & her friends snuck in through a back entrance they didn’t mind sharing with me. i was about to leave when they came out with total looks of disappointment on their faces. now, that was priceless! we got some pizza at this “secret” pizza joint in cosmo then chatted a little bit. i found that my new friend was really easy to talk to. all out of ideas, we decided to depart and meet up later for the pool party at XS. when i got home i was so happy. after getting some dayclub action in, i was so ready for the nightclub. i got ready then called her, but no answer. so here i am now… i was irritated, but glad a got a good picture out of it! lol. the simple things are bringing me joy again. almost double digits on likes! wooo! lmfao. unfortunately, during the writing of this post, i made the mistake of answering the phone w/o thinking & now i have to work at 7a tomorrow. fml! well, i’m thinking about going to the gym now. then coming home & watching a movie that i pray will allow me to get a couple hours of rest before my early start tomorrow! praying !! i only thought about him twice. okay, maybe three times… screw it. but, i’m taking it day by day.
to this day, they still are. i asked her, “what ever happened with us?”. she responded, “from my perspective, you stopped talking to me … didn’t really respond to my texts n stuff … and so i stopped bothering you. i figured it had to do with R—-? There’s no hard feelings at all…BUT, i know there is always two sides/two views…so I’ll ask you…what ever happened with us? please don’t feel like I personally need explanation or anything. i really did feel like you stopped talking to me/hanging out because of R—- so i just dropped the issue. But if there was nothing and it’s all a misunderstanding..then i apologize for the time lost and I’m glad you wrote to me.” this was yesterday, but i awoke after i read it this afternoon. how do i even begin to respond? for some reason, i feel like she’s giving me excuses because i have rarely ever declined to hang out with her because of him. she doesn’t live in town; therefore, i never got to talk to her as often as i would like. this had to be built up from last summer because i don’t remember talking to her much then. yet, i’m honestly not sure what brought her to this conclusion. she never once mentioned it to me these past four years that he has been a major part of my life. she was never even going to say anything to me again. she added me on instagram like everything was so cool between us. or was that her reaching out? why do people expect me to read between the lines. we have been friends since high school, and became even closer once we started college. why keep all of these feelings in silence? the last time she and i spoke was during the week of my birthday. i was asking advice of what club to attend, and she hooked me up with a promoter. during that same week, she subtly insulted me for going to a local university—she approached the situation as if she trumped me since she attended some fancy academy in the east. that really hurt me. insulting my intelligence was just taking it too far, but maybe i lost, ignored, and misinterpreted all the signals she was sending me up until that point. now i’m wondering if i want such a friend in my life. every time there is an issue, you’re not even going to bother to tell me? i don’t blame you. it’s her fault she never spoke up. i honestly don’t even blame myself, but perhaps i’m jumping the gun a little. i’m not sure how i’m going to respond to her. it’s too early for this & now i’m debating whether or not i’m going to get into this day club thing. i’ll think about this message throughout the day. i don’t want to b/s the response. well, it’s 12:54 p.m. & i’m supposed to be across town by 1:30 p.m. (slash) 2pm. that’s not going to happen, but i’m going to try to make it close. feeling extra bloated today. ugh. haven’t even worn a swimsuit since i went to california last august. and, i guess the gym won’t happen until after my day has ended.
i thought about you more than i would like, but i didn’t feel impulsive. i had no desire to call you. i felt no need to text you. i did not yearn to hear your voice. i do not crave your attention. you left me in a really tough spot. & i don’t know if i will ever forgive you for this. these are the times i am so grateful i’m so independent. i honestly have an issue with depending on others for anything that’s related to myself. the importance is irrelevant—trust lies in no one else but myself. a gift & a curse i would say, to have such a mindset. obviously, when it comes to relationships, my trust issue hinder me, but it builds a solid base of confidence and responsibility in myself. it’s almost 5 a.m, and i’ve felt tired since 2 a.m. if i wasn’t working, i think i would actually be sleeping right now. for an insomniac, this is truly a blessing. my graveyard shift tonight was very lonesome. i took my sweet time getting to each outlet to everyone else’s annoyance. i was on time, yet they expected me to be as early as the other girl, oh well. for a split second i saw a friend of mine as well. unfortunately, i was too tired and irritated to hold up a conversation with her. but, i extended an invitation to hang out with her tomorrow or monday or tuesday. we’re both steady extras, so who knows when this will actually happen. we’re back to back on the extra board so hopefully all the pieces fall into place to get in a little day club action tomorrow. my body is not where i would like it to be, especially since i have this permanent little pudge in my tummy for now, but in a couple weeks hopefully that will be fixed. idk. kind of on the fence, but only time will tell. it would be nice to hit the gym tomorrow. could be a potential GTL day in the making! i’m actually looking forward to something with a new friend. this is such a big deal! trust. & no worries, if it doesn’t work out, i’m going to do some shopping, gym & laundry. lol. & plan c: if i get called in, there’s always the next day. i’m really trying not to stress over the little things.
i genuinely appreciate the advice. i honestly didn’t expect a response. just wanted to let off some steam, get my thoughts together… but, i was pleasantly surprised. i received some authentic suggestions that really touched me & for once—i think i just might try to do something different. although risky, even though it could threaten it all, i honestly feel like i have little, if anything, left to lose.
… I realize how much I love him & never want to let him go. I wish upon him everything I have & more. He deserves it, surely, more than I. He is patient. He is kind. He is generous. He is beautiful. What did I ever do to receive such an angel on earth?
The thought of moving on scares me because I always knew there was something more. I always thought it was something more, but somehow our signals got crossed, and I realized what I experienced was no where near what you felt. I was your best kept secret. I naively thought you didn’t want to share me with the world because I was much too precious and dear to you. It would be another four years before I recognized it was exactly the opposite. Is it possible that I allowed my big, full heart to take over and strangle all the reason out of me? How insane I must be. I should feel awkward & embarrassed, yet I’m mostly concerned with how long I’ll last. There is no way I could ever let you so close again. My heart is dead… cold… black. My mind is in full bloom. The words still ring in my ears. I never want to forget this pain because it’s the only way I could keep myself from the harm of ever going back to you. By the way, Happy Birthday.
I called you as if it mattered. As if an ounce of you ever genuinely cared about me—let alone loved me. I had a bottomless episode. You were most concerned with what they think of us… thought of us… would think of us. There was no longer an “us”. There was never an “us”. I’m delusional. You untagged yourself from every pictured. Removed yourself from every post. That would surely stir confusion. They would believe I was obsessed. They would believe you when you told them I was just an old friend, nothing more. Almost four years I completely imagined. I made it up. It never happened. I don’t know how to cope with it any other way. I’m doing it the best way I know how. I just want to forget. I don’t want to remember anything. I don’t know what’s real anymore. You told me you liked me. But, you like everyone. You told me you missed me, but you miss everyone too. When you first told me you loved me I thought, “This is it. My search is over.” You promised me you were the exception. You were different. But, you told them you loved them as well. Talked to them everyday just as much when I would go to sleep… while I was at work… during school. You gave them the same lines. The same consideration. More consideration! I could kill you for it. As irrational as I am when the anger overtakes me. Then suddenly, somehow, I am the one to blame. You said I asked for it. You tell me I ruined your life, especially the past three years. For you, only the first six months were decent. Then you got what you once fantasized during your high school crush. You were proud. It wasn’t long until you first lied to me. You would have never told me if I didn’t go out of my way to find out. Then you did it again. You said it was to protect me. My feelings were far too fragile. I am jealous. (From what I recall, I never cared until I met you.) Besides, she wasn’t your type. She had a child. She soon faded; becoming the least of my worries. There were more women, but they are all just friends, nothing more. By the way, we are just friends too. That’s what you told me. But, guess what? I’ll let you think you’re my best friend. You just have to discard all those emotions. I could have died at that very moment. I never thought you would speak those words. How could you? It’s that easy for you? Then you go on and celebrate. Compulsively flirt with every woman you thought to be the least bit attractive at some point. They send you several mentions with subtle sexual overtones. They want you. You like the attention. You kept desperately begging me to call you the past couple days. I didn’t think I could go twenty-four hours without hearing your voice. I lasted forty-eight and a half. I didn’t want you to worry. That’s what I told myself. But, when I texted you, you didn’t respond. I figured you were at the gym. Some days I can guess your routine. Then I called you a couple hours later. I didn’t want to come off as obsessive or controlling, yet I was afraid your life had taken a turn for the worse because of me. I remembered how the depression once hit you. I got nothing but the automated voicemail. By midnight, I was sure you’d be home. I almost called your mom to ask if you’d even gotten out of bed. Yet, you answered. I heard the loud music in the background. I heard a female voice. I was the least of your concerns. You were far from melancholy. You answered the phone with pride as if you walked especially close to the speaker to rub it in my face: your life goes on without me. You said you were at the bar with your friends. You forgot to mention she picked you up. It was just a night out with the guys to get your mind off of things. There was another waiting up for you. You told her you would see her after. I’ll assume it wouldn’t be in your best interest to mention that either. You referred to her as your #bootycall. That made her giggle. For some reason, I thought that conversation would’ve been different. You agreed. Not because you believed it to be true; because that’s what you thought I wanted to hear. You promised to call me back as soon as you got home. After you see her, right? I’m not waiting up for you. Bastard.