last night was amazing. i could tell one of my friends had been feeling down after she had been a bit snappy with me as i texted her a couple days after her birthday. at first, i tried to think of every possible alternative not to hang out with her. i was dealing with my own issues and wanted to be surrounded by positivity—part of me even felt like she acted as though she was doing ME a favor by hanging out. okay, maybe i’m a bit paranoid, but she often causes me to feel such a way. i had a friend that was in town from washington for a bachelorette party; therefore, i contacted her to see if i could tag along. also, i felt kind of bad because every time she’s in town she frequently hits me up to do something and i either flake or have to work. yet, she proved to be so caught up in all the festivities of the bachelorette party, and not to mentioned constantly tipsy or drunk, that she completely stopped texting me out of nowhere. i figured i just needed to get out of the house & not lay on the couch & bum out watching tv; thus, i got ready anyhow—with no place to go. now, this could be dangerous because i tend to get a bit upset when i get ready and end up having no place to go, but i figured i would do some window shopping of my own if it came to that point. i feel like locals underrate everything our city has to offer. oh, & in the process of all of this, i shot a text to one of my good friends from middle school as well, but, of course, she had plans. when i was getting ready, i was so giddy because i was about to wear a completely brand new outfit. i felt so cute. i was reminded of like when you were young and went ‘school shopping’ or ‘summer shopping’. i finally found some white shorts on sale that (1) didn’t smush my a** in or (2) didn’t leave my a** hanging out; so i felt quite accomplished (i spent entirely too much money the day prior). any who, after being set on not being surrounded by negative people, i thought to myself, “something is wrong with her & instead of being a friend i’m avoiding her”. i felt like a total b!tch after this. man, i suck at ‘hints’. it’s such bullish!t. i don’t know why people are so set on participating in this game of subliminal messages. just be f-cking literal sometimes, geesh. but, i headed over, and she kind of gave me an attitude. for some reason, when people don’t act happy to see me, i define their current state as ‘having an attitude’. lol. funny things i’m learning about myself. okay, so once we got in her room, she laid in her bed, looked at me, and gave a big sigh before she said, “you have no idea the drama i’ve been dealing with…”. she went on to tell me all of the issues she’s been having in the love department: her complicated and possibly frowned upon dating situation with her boyfriend and the man she is in love with—yes, these are two different people, the problems she’s been having with her family: she’s been experiencing panic attacks since her grandpa died & her cousin shared a huge secret with her that she feel obligated to tell but promised not to share, and her current financial situation: she recently got fired from her job & still has tons of bills to pay which is completely depleting her savings. wow. i thought i had it tough. we also shared a ton laughs in the process of venting, and i realized that everyone is experiencing their own life problems. no one is completely happy or has and ideal life situation, & sharing these obstacles with others really makes a difference. although she was more caught up in talking about herself & i honestly didn’t get to share a great deal of what i’m going through right now, i could honestly say i cheered her up. it was priceless. i never thought of myself as gifted at doing this! (: also, i gave in & called him. he answered, and we didn’t talk about any of the problems, but it felt so good just to hear his voice. f-ck, i’m weak. smh.
i’m sorry that i would get so angry at you and so jealous of your time. i am not crazy. i act crazy because i panic. for some reason i have this fear of losing you & at the same time i have this fear i’ve lost you. if something were to happen to you, idk what i’d do. if you were to be interested in someone, idk what i would do. i understand friendship is the foundation of a solid relationship, but i don’t want to be ‘just friends’ & i’ve been so frustrated that i’m still stuck in that category after all these years, after everything we’ve been through, after all the memories we have shared. i don’t want anyone else & i can’t pretend that i don’t love you the way i do. i want to prove you wrong: that i’m not a fuck up, yet i fear that with all these efforts i’ll still be stuck in the same place, as a friend, so i rebel. i don’t ever think you will just ‘give in’, but i don’t understand how you don’t love me the same & it kills me. like you gave me one chance & that was years ago before you even knew me. & now you just think you have me all figured out, you don’t see the potential in me. you put a wall up & you’re just satisfied with the expectation that i will fail you. how do you expect me to function in this atmosphere? i try, then i feel like it’s useless & start believing i’m as much of a fuck up as you think i am. i don’t want to argue. i understand you need your space. i’m just still stuck on how it used to be: when you had all the time in the world for me. & the fact that you’re a flirt with the ladies & this cool macho guy with your male friends just expands all these insecurities that i already have & i start feeling foolish & gullible & angry that i’m so in love with you & i start to believe you don’t care about me because if you did… idk? you would tone it down? i honestly don’t even know what i expect. i just feel like a secret & like you’re ashamed of me or that this is just a fun little fling to you. & i know the fact that i’m so passionate scares you, but that’s just who i am. i can’t be anyone else. i just have to be me & hope you accept me. & if not… i guess it just wasn’t meant to be. & i know there are certain things that i have to accept about you & i have & i know there’s more i need to open up to, but i always feel like i’m compromising & putting more effort & then you make me feel like i shouldn’t be then when i don’t you realize it & get frustrated or irritated with me & think something’s wrong. i still feel like you need some space & that’s fine. i just wanted to let you know because life is so unpredictable & you never know if the opportunity will present itself. there’s never a right time, you know? & i don’t know what to expect from here on, but i would like the chance to figure it out sometime in the near future. i can’t spend many more days hating you & knowing that you hate me. i don’t even want you to respond now just read this & reread it & think about it throughout the week. just a few things i thought you should know.
i thought about you more than i would like, but i didn’t feel impulsive. i had no desire to call you. i felt no need to text you. i did not yearn to hear your voice. i do not crave your attention. you left me in a really tough spot. & i don’t know if i will ever forgive you for this. these are the times i am so grateful i’m so independent. i honestly have an issue with depending on others for anything that’s related to myself. the importance is irrelevant—trust lies in no one else but myself. a gift & a curse i would say, to have such a mindset. obviously, when it comes to relationships, my trust issue hinder me, but it builds a solid base of confidence and responsibility in myself. it’s almost 5 a.m, and i’ve felt tired since 2 a.m. if i wasn’t working, i think i would actually be sleeping right now. for an insomniac, this is truly a blessing. my graveyard shift tonight was very lonesome. i took my sweet time getting to each outlet to everyone else’s annoyance. i was on time, yet they expected me to be as early as the other girl, oh well. for a split second i saw a friend of mine as well. unfortunately, i was too tired and irritated to hold up a conversation with her. but, i extended an invitation to hang out with her tomorrow or monday or tuesday. we’re both steady extras, so who knows when this will actually happen. we’re back to back on the extra board so hopefully all the pieces fall into place to get in a little day club action tomorrow. my body is not where i would like it to be, especially since i have this permanent little pudge in my tummy for now, but in a couple weeks hopefully that will be fixed. idk. kind of on the fence, but only time will tell. it would be nice to hit the gym tomorrow. could be a potential GTL day in the making! i’m actually looking forward to something with a new friend. this is such a big deal! trust. & no worries, if it doesn’t work out, i’m going to do some shopping, gym & laundry. lol. & plan c: if i get called in, there’s always the next day. i’m really trying not to stress over the little things.
i just want it to go away. i’m tired of fucking crying multiple times during the day—especially at night. why does this hurt so bad? like i literally feel my heart crumbling within my chest. no lie. i wish i could just fast forward through time. i don’t even care if that means sacrificing my whole summer. i really don’t fucking care. i just want this pain and depression to be over with. everything irritates me. every little thing. at work today i was totally on edge. i usually love working at the nightclub. it’s not even work! i get to hang out with my girls, drool over fashion, check out guys, flirt with celebrities. it’s fucking amazing! right when i pulled up into the parking lot on my way to the building i just felt a sense of relief. i was hyped up off of pandora, especially Azealia Banks Radio (my new obsession)! pandora was basically reading the fuck out of my mind and playing every song i wanted to hear. pure bliss. then i ran into one of the new girls who instantly regarded me as her bff. fascinating. we totally connected within ten minutes of walking before clock-in. i was so happy to see my whole nightclub crew when i entered the office. even though i had only been missing the past two weekends, they missed the sh!t out of me. who knew i made such a difference in everyones’ lives. & they were all showering me with compliments. i was loving every minute of it. i don’t even waste time totally glamming for work anymore. funny how simplicity always seems to work better for me, but i yearn to be glam. anyhow, i was just in such a good place all night. i shared so many laughs with the guys and one of the girls & even got invited to go out with them—which is much needed since my really close friends have been disappointing me lately, i just lost my best friend last week, & i’ve been ridiculously lonely lately—they want to take me out to a strip club since i’ve never been. maybe this week coming up? gosh. i just need to keep you off my mind. like i said, tonight was magnificent, at work! go figure. but, it was a slow night with some nobody DJ so, of course, they started making cuts, & i sort of had a tantrum inside. i’m so afraid of going home now. like, i pretty much snapped at my supervisor & totally threw a bitch fit because i really didn’t want to leave. i was so afraid of the heartache that was waiting for me at home. i painfully said my goodbyes to everyone, & vented the whole walk to the car. on the drive home, i was totally disappointed with myself. why have i turned into this ugly, negative person? since when do i just vent to everyone? that’s not me. i’m always the one to look on the bright side, but lately idgaf. the sun just doesn’t shine enough for me. i don’t like this side of me at all. i had to tune into William Fitzsimmons Radio on pandora. his soothing voice reeks of heartbreak. right when i pulled into my driveway, “Warning Signs” by Coldplay came on & i totally broke down & started singing along in full tears. right when Chris Martin belted out, “but the truth is… i miss you”, i reclined my seat and painfully listened to the rest of the melody in silence. i miss you Ry. i hate that i do. you meant everything to me, but to be with you, i have to put myself second. i gave you four of the best years of my life, we have some of the sweetest memories, you were my best friend. i honestly don’t know how i’m going to go on without you. but, i hate you. i hate you so fucking much for all the bullshit you’ve put me through. i hate you so fucking much for making me feel as if i’m not good enough and having way too high expectations of me. after all this time, you think you have me all figured out, yet you don’t understand me at all. you literally stopped trying because you thought you knew all that i have to offer. you told me that i was a fuck up & that you never planned on making the ultimate commitment to me because i was too set in my ways, that i bring out the worst in you. maybe you said some of these things out of anger, idk, because these lines have seemed to occasionally repeat themselves over the years. even right now at this moment, i fucking hate that i’ve been crying for the past hour and you’re still out with your friends. did you even feel a second of agony?