i have never known a man so full of himself. i mean, there’s a time & place for self-love & over-confidence, but at what point does which such behavior transform into arrogance? pidgeon is amused by every aspect of himself: the way he talks, the way he walks, his physical appearance, his mode of dress. many afternoons have been gleefully wasted away by the young man amusing himself in the mirror. have you ever seen a man so intently admire himself as he explores different states of emotion through his facial expressions? i do not believe you have even seen such a being express so many feelings with his eyes, ears, nose, eyebrows, & mouth. don’t get me wrong, we are dealing with a particularly smooth guy. the issue is, he knows it.
friday, july 20, 2012
last night was amazing. i could tell one of my friends had been feeling down after she had been a bit snappy with me as i texted her a couple days after her birthday. at first, i tried to think of every possible alternative not to hang out with her. i was dealing with my own issues and wanted to be surrounded by positivity—part of me even felt like she acted as though she was doing ME a favor by hanging out. okay, maybe i’m a bit paranoid, but she often causes me to feel such a way. i had a friend that was in town from washington for a bachelorette party; therefore, i contacted her to see if i could tag along. also, i felt kind of bad because every time she’s in town she frequently hits me up to do something and i either flake or have to work. yet, she proved to be so caught up in all the festivities of the bachelorette party, and not to mentioned constantly tipsy or drunk, that she completely stopped texting me out of nowhere. i figured i just needed to get out of the house & not lay on the couch & bum out watching tv; thus, i got ready anyhow—with no place to go. now, this could be dangerous because i tend to get a bit upset when i get ready and end up having no place to go, but i figured i would do some window shopping of my own if it came to that point. i feel like locals underrate everything our city has to offer. oh, & in the process of all of this, i shot a text to one of my good friends from middle school as well, but, of course, she had plans. when i was getting ready, i was so giddy because i was about to wear a completely brand new outfit. i felt so cute. i was reminded of like when you were young and went ‘school shopping’ or ‘summer shopping’. i finally found some white shorts on sale that (1) didn’t smush my a** in or (2) didn’t leave my a** hanging out; so i felt quite accomplished (i spent entirely too much money the day prior). any who, after being set on not being surrounded by negative people, i thought to myself, “something is wrong with her & instead of being a friend i’m avoiding her”. i felt like a total b!tch after this. man, i suck at ‘hints’. it’s such bullish!t. i don’t know why people are so set on participating in this game of subliminal messages. just be f-cking literal sometimes, geesh. but, i headed over, and she kind of gave me an attitude. for some reason, when people don’t act happy to see me, i define their current state as ‘having an attitude’. lol. funny things i’m learning about myself. okay, so once we got in her room, she laid in her bed, looked at me, and gave a big sigh before she said, “you have no idea the drama i’ve been dealing with…”. she went on to tell me all of the issues she’s been having in the love department: her complicated and possibly frowned upon dating situation with her boyfriend and the man she is in love with—yes, these are two different people, the problems she’s been having with her family: she’s been experiencing panic attacks since her grandpa died & her cousin shared a huge secret with her that she feel obligated to tell but promised not to share, and her current financial situation: she recently got fired from her job & still has tons of bills to pay which is completely depleting her savings. wow. i thought i had it tough. we also shared a ton laughs in the process of venting, and i realized that everyone is experiencing their own life problems. no one is completely happy or has and ideal life situation, & sharing these obstacles with others really makes a difference. although she was more caught up in talking about herself & i honestly didn’t get to share a great deal of what i’m going through right now, i could honestly say i cheered her up. it was priceless. i never thought of myself as gifted at doing this! (: also, i gave in & called him. he answered, and we didn’t talk about any of the problems, but it felt so good just to hear his voice. f-ck, i’m weak. smh.
he’s out, laughing. making memories with old friends, new friends. i’m home, alone. trying to let go of memories of the past. the first emotion i feel is jealousy. i don’t remember the last time i laughed. i don’t count on there being a next time i will laugh. not anytime soon, at least. it’s like, he doesn’t even take this seriously. he thinks he still has me & i’m just going through a phase… but, this is as real as it gets.
i think i just lost my best friend.